I had 4 hours sleep last night and I am exhausted, but plowing on.
We had some friends over for lunch and coffee, which was nice. We made some barbecue ribs in the oven, mash potato and salad. Believe it or not, husband is also an excellent cook.
Today he is feeling a lot better, which is good. Nearly back to normal.
Besides making lunch and a few other everyday things, I didn’t do much in terms of kindness except for myself. The reason for this is that is hard to be kind to others when your state of mind is not all there.
No. I am not going crazy. But for a few days I have been dealing with personal daemons that hunt me from my childhood and I don’t seem to be able to shake off, no matter how much I try; no matter how much I try to convince myself that they don’t affect me; no matter how long ago it all was.
My best friend always said to me that you cannot help others until you helped yourself first. And that is very true.
I have spoken before about some of my “mommy issues“. It turns out I also have tons of “daddy issues” and unresolved childhood traumas. I like to think that I have moved past them, and for the most part, I have. But here and there I get “the blues” out of nowhere and things come rushing out of nowhere and I feel… well, like a lost child, I suppose.
I don’t usually talk about those problems. In fact, growing up, most of my friends had no idea. And to date, they still don’t. A couple of weeks ago I spoke some to a friend. A dear friend. He advised me to write a letter. So simple! And the funny thing is that only a couple of days previous to our conversation I advise another friend to do exactly that. But it never occured to me to apply that same advice to myself. I suppose sometimes simple solutions stare right in our face, but we don’t see them until somebody point them out.
So I took my friend’s advice (and mine) and began writing that letter. So far is only two pages long, and I cried a lot while writing it. It is not finished yet, but I already feel better. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Whether I will send it or not is something I haven’t decided yet. But the fact that I can pin my monsters down by name, by location, by deed… somehow is both comforting and relieving.
Sometimes, to be kind to others, you we have to be kind to ourselves. Today, I need it this moment.
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Categories: Personal Section